quote from the book,
“Sometimes the man who looks happiest in town, with the biggest smile, is the one carrying the biggest load of sin. There are smiles and smiles; learn to tell the dark variety from the light. The seal-barker, the laugh-shouter, half the time he’s covering up. He’s had his fun and he’s guilty. And men do love sin, Will, oh how they love it, never doubt, in all shapes, sizes, colors, and smells.”
I saw the movie many years ago & often wondered why it had haunted me for the past 10 years.
It was a warning call that came too late.
I used to brush aside the ‘voice’ that chanted ‘Something Wicked This Way Comes’.
Usually it preceded contact with my Disordered Mind.
After my experience went full circle last year & I had run the gauntlet of despair, pain, disbelief & utter devastation,
I had the shocking revelation that I have been ‘gamed’ by not just one but, two Disordered individuals.
I had been undermined & undervalued both by them & myself due, to complete lack of self awareness & self worth.
I had in fact accepted the unacceptable & viewed my dysfunctional life & functional.
I thought it was what I deserved.
My ex husband was the foundation layer for years of emotional, physical & spiritual abuse.
The second abuser entered as my saviour but, was my darkest enemy. A Charismatic Sociopath/Covert narcissist.
I had been groomed since childhood to comply with the men in my life.
I was devalued via child abuse & had an emotionally distant father.
( My father was not my child abuser but, had many addictions that affected our family).
My male role models, the men I admired fell way short of the admirable.
I loved my father but, his distance & lack of protection over me, led to me looking for attention from the disordered ones.
Any attention was good for me especially from the men I’d fallen in love with.
I did not even understand my own part in my demise.
I was a forgiver of the unforgivable & always see the good in everyone, I trust too much.
I look with clarity now & see why I had to climb down into the bowels of hell & view it all.
It was brutal & cold but, necessary.
What had bought me here & what would eventually set me free.
In order to heal fully & evolve into the higher state of awareness that is our deliverance we must go deep if we can?
It’s dangerous & you will walk a fine line between sanity & insanity.
I would not recommend this to anyone without support networks & a resilient mindset.
Do not dig up something that you are not prepared to unearth.
I had to learn to sit with thought but, more so the ‘feelings’ it provoked.
I sat on the precipice of my saneness. I stepped outside myself then fully inside myself.
Perspective & mindfulness & security & love guided me.
My head felt like a bullet ricocheted inside a vault.
My mind was imploding & exploding all at once like the ‘Big Bang Theory’.
Loads of overwhelming words, thoughts, feelings pervaded my every cell.
I was hyper vigilant & adrenaline surged throughout my body.
I saw everything clearly & my heart reverberated in my chest literally.
Sleep abandoned me & the dreaded dark night of the soul usually arrived at 3 a.m.
I read that this is the time many people pass over & the soul leaves the body.
I could not breath as breathing meant ‘letting go’ & I was scared to death of a floodgate opening.
I had to seek help in degrees.
It was time consuming, achingly hard but, with medication ( mild sleeping pills), therapy, exercise, self help, an online support group, friends, family & regular routines, I slowly returned to a state of equilibrium.
My normal but, I had changed.
I beheld a new state of mind.
A new consciousness, higher self awareness & awareness in general.
Everything was altered, my view had changed into a vista.
I was rebirthed after much pushing & excruciating pain & like a newborn I was nurtured by myself.
I toddled then took tentative steps until I was walking then running & finally free.
Breeze in my hair, smile on my face, joy & laughter returned.
I am complete & I am enough!