I never realised how these two words were going to effect my entire life & now when I read them, I not only understand them, I see them in play, I feel them & I lived them!

I detest liars & always have. If I ever tell a lie I feel guilty & confess.

As a child I would break out in a sweat if I was caught lying.

I hated that feeling so, I chose not to continue that behaviour.

I did not like deceiving my loved ones about anything but, I learnt to hide the truth of my existence with a disordered individual.

I am not a liar but, I was an enabler.

My husband lied all the time to hide his gambling addiction & his lies were enormous.

Unfortunately for him & me, he drank to self soothe & cover up his altered state.

He ping ponged all over the place, keeping me in a permanent state of confusion.

People say, why did you stay?

I stayed for many many reasons.

I was in a permanent state of cognitive dissonance, my old friend CD was always fogging my brain & trying to rationalize his outrageous behaviour & help me maintain my equilibrium.

The hormones get released in your brain to calm you down but, ultimately that constant state between stress, anxiety, dullness & fog pervades your mind.

I would go into a state of complete ‘stand by mode’ & wait for the next drama to unfold.

I had been trained to accept this from a young age as my grandfather, my father & my husband were & are all alcoholics.

I was born & bred to the manor of addictions & addictive behaviour.

I used to binge drink in my early years but, decided when I was 28 that I wanted a child.

I only drank socially but, often excessively.

People think a lovely ‘dinner party’ is not a raging night of abuse but, from my halcyon days, the amount consumed by us all would rival any night out on the town!

I stopped drinking 23 years ago as I wanted to stop the cycle & be a good healthy role model.

I took my parenting responsibility very seriously.

My husband did not & continued to use & abuse alcohol & me.

He stayed out late, gambled & partied on whilst, I stayed home with our child.

The cycle of abuse continued.

I did leave on & off over the years but, I was always enticed back with promises of better & he would be better for long periods but, then he would cycle back around & we were struck on replay interminably.

I was 7 months pregnant with my 2nd child (five years between the two) when he came home rolling drunk, pinned me to the bed & spat in my face!

He’d been lying & deceiving me endlessly & informed me that his gambling was way out of control by thousands.

He had always used money to control me by withholding it & blaming me for not managing the money I was given for food & bills.

He then crashed & burned & I was trapped & tried to ‘fix him’, I am adept at that apparently.

This was another behaviour I had always seen.

My grandfather & father both used this ploy on their wives.

Why stay you ask, where do you go with no money & two young children.

I could have gone to family miles away but, my children deserved normality even if I didn’t so, I presented the ongoing façade to the outside world knowing that’s just what it was.

I locked myself & my dysfunction inside.

I became a highly functioning abused wife!

I was the fundraiser for the children’s school & kindergarten, worked & kept house.

Outside I functioned extremely well, have loads of friends & looked like I was living the life!

After 19 years & two children & years of abuse, he left.

Ran off with the receptionist & a friend without a backward glance.

Left me penniless & then withheld support.

We lost our home, business & car.

I moved & scraped enough together to purchase my own huge mortgage!

Without my family & friends I would have never come this far.

He resents me for this still & recently abused his own siblings for being to kind to me?

They are strong enough to see through him & they are more my sisters than his.

So, that is why women stay & always have & always will unless they are independently wealthy maybe not.

I have seen wealthy wives stay purely for lifestyle whilst compromising themselves to abuse like I did.

My ex husband still withholds financial support 11 years later.

Report him you say, he is that deceptive he does not pay tax, works cash in hand & told me he would go to jail before I see a penny!

After he left, I had to sell the family car & ‘enter stage right’ my next abuser the Socialised Sociopath/Covert narcissist.

(More about him later).

I just want whoevers reading this to know, you are not alone.

I am a survivor & I have risen but, I struggle daily with the ‘knowing’ but, I refuse to let this define me.

I am flourishing & well adjusted & loved by many.

I make all my decisions with wisdom & clarity & that’s freedom!

I wish the governments would understand that supporting the unsupported is crucial if people are to become empowered.

You don’t need to hand out copious amounts of money but, they must make men & women accept their financial responsibility to their child & it’s 50/50.

Money should be controlled not used as control over others.

People should not buy people either!

Parents that withhold support to ex’s then buy the child everything are also abusive & manipulative but, that’s another post!

Awareb4.