love is toxic

Narcissist Narcissist wherefore art thou Narcissist!

Love was toxic to me!

For the last couple of years, I have been consumed with Narcissism/Sociopath’s & Psychopaths because, apart from being adversely affected by these disturbed character’s, I needed to understand them & their inner workings.

I needed to really UNDERSTAND them & my relationship with them so, that I could heal & learn my most intrinsic morals & core values. I had never really understood how important it was to be conscious of my own moral fiber & adhere to the core values that, I had never given a great deal of considered thought too!

I knew I had values like integrity & authenticity, honesty etc…but, I never truly embraced what they meant to who I am as a person & by digressing from them would, lead me into so much trouble & leave me wide open to abuse from narcissist’s & the like!

I had an insatiable appetite for every bit of information regarding the Narcissist that I could get so, I read & Googled everything related to this subject. I joined forums & started my own Facebook Awareness page.

How did I get here? Firstly I was abused from a very young age by a trusted family member & whilst, we can make excuses for another’s lack of control, at the end of the day, I was the child & the abuser was late teens/early adult & his frustrations should not have been directed to me. It was my Uncle & everyone noticed how ‘close’ he was to me & thought it was ‘cute’. It wasn’t cute at all for me! I never told anyone until I was an adult myself as, I knew it would hurt innocent people & cause a great deal of pain to others & myself. I still have contact with this individual but, I became very adept at disassociating the past from my now. I have to live in the now as, I cannot go back & I can never ‘unknow’ what occurred. I chose to bury it deep for a long long time until it became necessary for me to revisit the abuse in order to see how I had shaped my perception of myself & my lack of self worth.

From this abuse, I remember always feeling uneasy around men & uncomfortable in my own skin. I felt threatened & that my femininity was under threat always. I was  very tall for my age & was fully developed by 10 years of age. This did not sit well with me either & I was a child trapped inside the body of a fully grown woman. I hated myself & the reaction men had to me & my development. I covered myself up & became increasingly insecure & self conscious which, made me hold back from doing all the fun stuff kids do. I ate my feelings & was overweight in my early teens which only added to my insecurities & fears. I binge dieted throughout my mid teens & at one point was underweight! Nothing worked though & my lack of value in myself was fragile.

My father was a functioning alcoholic so, as much as I loved him, he was useless as a role model & protector. When I was in my early twenties my father was diagnosed with Korsakoffs Syndrome caused mainly by excessive alcohol abuse. He wasn’t a bad man but, his addictions ruled his life. We witnessed his decline for 25 long years.

I met my husband when I was 21 & did not notice that he had a narcissistic personality & that I was a ‘fixer’ like my mother & grandmother had also been. The ‘fruit did not fall far from the tree’, in my family & we were all enablers but, did try not to be. We fought the oppression of being ‘women’ that provided the facade of domestic bliss. The men called the shots & if we didn’t succumb, we were denounced as whingers, abandoned, given the silent treatment & never validated for our true worth.

I was a generational victim of what you should never accept but, we were trapped & our lives didn’t start like that. Our men folk were all apparently decent & upstanding when we first fell in love & it was a slow erosion of ourselves in these relationships that kept us living in the lie. We all started out thinking our partners cared for us & not that they had selfish agenda’s. My Grandfather (dec), Father (dec) & now ex-husband were/are alcoholics. I still loved the person but, not their addiction. Addictions are very selfish!

After 19 years of a very ‘roller-coaster’ marriage, my husband (ex) came home & announced he no longer loved me & wanted out! I was somewhat relieved because, his escalating moodiness had me spinning once again. I now know this mood swing toward the end was the ‘red flag’ waving at me. The discard after years of his gambling, ranting, pity party, single man attitude,sleepless night, passive aggressiveness, crazy making, set ups etc…was finally over.

He assured me there was no-one else but, within two weeks the truth came out & he was leaving with the office receptionist & the woman whose job I had saved numerous times. The Other Woman was a classic co-dependent with no friends & agrophobia! He has admitted he cannot live alone & her own problems means she will comply with his narcissistic abuse cycle. Where can you run  anyway when you have a crippling phobia! It was 2003 & he walked out & started this new relationship straight away. We were financially & emotionally abandoned.

Okay so, six weeks later I am introduced to my greatest nemesis via a friend because, I have to sell my car which is leased through our business. He is a Commander in the Fire Brigade & a Used Car Salesman & this took me on my greatest learning curve for 10 years. This guy was the master Malignant Narcissist that would finally ‘wake’ me up to disturbed minds, pathological liars, cheats & controlling with loads of manipulation!

Why have they been in my life? To teach me my Self Worth, Boundaries & never ever accept the unacceptable again. The truth is just that, I know my own truth finally & I appreciate myself & own my life for myself finally & I am free. 

Am I alone? Never, I found a friend in myself & I really like her & all that she has withstood. She climbed her mountain as, many do. She planted the ‘red flags’ along the way to mark her ascent & at the top she saw many more mountains but, after everything, they no longer seemed insurmountable!

Keep climbing for yourself & don’t look down on yourself, your worth the climb!

AwareB4 

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