The Awareness. The Rising Tide. Ride & Roll With It.
Below is the reason I survived the ride.
I am known on another blog ‘Dating A Sociopath’ as PR or Pheonix Rising.
It was pointed out that Pheonix was spelt incorrectly.
As I explained in a responding comment to a commentator, the error was unintended initially.
I couldn’t change it & thought of it as yet another sign or message from above.
‘As Above, So Below’.
PHE-ON-IX 😉
Pee-On-Ex.
That works for me!
If dogs can Pee on it, Kick dirt on it & Leave that s#*t behind so can I.
I ran the gauntlet via this site as each new post came up.
I was actually living it simultaneously as each new post hit my email.
The site administrator Positiva Girl was posting & I was living it right in that moment.
I got spooked & thought she was in my head. I looked over my shoulder more than once.
Funny thing was she ended up in my heart, became a great friend & confidante.
Positiva had started her excellent writing a few months earlier. I missed the first couple of posts.
Snapshot is, 10 years with a disordered mind & pathological liar.
It was the now knowing that really floored me!
I found answers & mostly I found I was not alone.
I literally had ‘NO IDEA’. None. Zippo!
I was draped in ‘Red Flags with a matching pair of shoes, handbag & yes, even the lippy!
Red looks good on me, he told me so!!!!
‘Paint your nails Red.
Wear that Red coat/dress/shoes etc….
Here try this flag on for size!’
‘Looks Fabulous On You’.
I obviously missed the ‘NO CONTACT’ post.
Yes, I made the fatal mistake of ‘letting him have it’.
With all guns blazing & looked totally ‘Psychedelic’.
Yes, I was off with the pixies,over that Rainbow, after the Witch & the flying monkeys, loopy la la crazy!
Do I regret this?
To be honest No.
It was something I had to do for me. My experience was my own & it was my choice.
Would I recommend making contact?
NO, NO, know thyself first!
My warning came to late but, heed this wise advice from Positiva & others.
The ‘NO CONTACT’ is the only way through & out with your dignity & self intact.
Why?
Because at the end of the day, you are dealing with something far bigger than just your Sociopath/Narcissist.
You are dealing with YOU.
Quite frankly they really aren’t worth the time & energy but, YOU are.
Invest that Energy back into yourself if you can? You are worth investing in & always have been.
What do you think attracted them in the first place.
YOU & your Positive Energy did.
You are free & you get to choose which way this ends, Happy or Sad, Good or Bad, Smart or Dumb. Choose wisely.
Whatever label we pin on the Abuser (Perpetrator), doesn’t really matter.
It’s the behavior each of them demonstrates that matters most.
It’s what unites us & what we despise about their behavior & intentions isn’t it.
This is after-all the reason why we are left reeling.
It’s their actions.
They speak volumes & acting is their forte! So is talking BS, non-stop!
They work at making you accept the unacceptable & they do this systematically & routinely & devastatingly accurate!
If we were an actual archery target, the first arrow is straight through the head, the second through the heart & then just lots of arrows all over our souls.
Abuse is not acceptable ever, full stop!!!!
If you truly love a person, you don’t deliberately hurt them.
Not knowingly or deliberately or as a means to an end.
Nor for your entertainment, self delusion or self entitlement.
It’s not all about YOU the perpetrator/Socio/Narc/whatever you are.
It’s about US,the word is US NO E!
We use things, not people.
You don’t use the excuse of being abused & pay it forward etc…
You seek help if that’s how you perceive life.
Don’t condone ABUSE.
You don’t act in a contradictory way. You don’t pretend to be someone your not, full stop.
You don’t lie, cheat, game & discard.
We are people & we all deserve the best & nothing less.
You don’t physically harm, or mentally play a game with a loved ones mind or anyone’s mind for that matter.
Emotional/Physical/Spiritual Abuse is cruel & sadistic & should never be tolerated Ever!
Do not accept the unacceptable behaviour.
Take responsibility for yourself & don’t allow abuse, accept it or embrace it. It’s not yours to own
How?
I think I came through life not actually ever considering & adhering to my core beliefs for many reasons.
We all come from different backgrounds/upbringing/life experiences/intellect etc…yet, we all fall into the ‘trap’.
I was a mess of emotions, a basket case, like a shattered mirror.
Piece by piece I had to pick myself up.
Piece by piece Positiva & others on the site & elsewhere helped me. THANK YOU ALL.
I actually know that if I hadn’t found this site my healing would not have been as productive.
I reached out & they reached back.
I cycled through every imaginable emotion.
Grief, Shock, Disbelief, Ruminating, Obsessing, Therapy, Meds, Questioning, Researching, Drowning, Lifeless, Procrastination, Crazy,
Acceptance, & finally Healing & even Gratitude.
Healing is always ongoing.
Never had I ever done this before & I have had huge life events take place but, this one was different.
This experience went deep into the core of me.
Why?
I realized that every value I had, had been betrayed.
Each & every single one of them.
Here’s a list & I’m sure you can add to it yourself;
Dependable – I thought he was dependable as I am.
- Reliable – I thought he was reliable as I am.
- Loyal – I thought he was loyal as I am.
- Committed – I thought he was committed, I was.
- Open-minded – I thought he was open-minded, I am.
- Consistent – I thought he was consist ant, I am
- Honest – I thought he was honest, I am.
- Positive – I thought he was positive, I am.
- Optimistic – I thought he was optimistic, I am.
- Inspiring – I thought he was inspiring, I am.
- Passionate – I thought he was passionate, I am.
- Respectful – I thought he was respectful, I am.
- Courageous – I thought he was courageous, I am.
- Educated – I thought he was educated, I am.
- Respected – I thought he was respected, I am.
- Loving – I thought he was loving, I am.
- Nurturing – I thought he was nurturing, I am.
- Protective – I thought he was protective, I am.
- Empathy – I thought he had empathy, I do.
- Compassionate – I thought he was compassionate, I am.
- Integrity – I thought he had integrity, I do.
- Values – I thought he had values, I do.
So you see,
I AM & I WAS & I DO still have all these values.
I put my faith in another & he let me down ‘BIG TIME’.
The ultimate betrayer of faith in another.
That’s why it’s devastating because, it’s done by those with an AGENDA all their OWN.
What did I learn from this whole experience you ask?
I learnt the WHY, THE HOW & THE REASON from the experience & for the experience.
I had forgotten WHO I AM but, due to this experience I have remembered.
I have redefined myself & my values & core beliefs.
I have re-established Healthy Boundaries & become aware of all my interactions.
Personally,Physically & Spiritually.
I AM truly GRATEFUL.
I have FORGIVEN MYSELF & allowed this forgiveness to flow to my ‘Perpetrators’.
I do not to condone but, to set myself free of the betrayal, I have accepted what is done because this is what they do.
That is their nature, not mine.
Thank you is not nearly enough when something as simple as the sharing of a story can, save your life & sanity.
I am grateful I found Dating A Sociopath & will always be indebted to Positive for taking her valuable time to share herself.
That’s a true & unique gift, the gift of oneself.
It’s the GIFT that keeps giving & we gave away far too much so, it’s time to take back our POWER.
Pay it forward, Share & Support but, mainly VALUE your journey, all of it.
It is yours, you own it & you define it.
Don’t let it define you, you are unique, you are multi-faceted & dimensional.
You are ‘Real’.
Not a forgery, not an illusion, not a liar, your extraordinarily YOU!
‘Happiness is not a Destination, it’s a way of Life’.
Strive to be happy daily. Even moments are enough at first.
Stockpile them, not pain.
Love & Light 🙂
PR xoxo aka Awareb4.
P.S. This post appeared unedited on Dating A Sociopath.
I highly recommend this site for information, insight & love & compassion.
Surviving A Disordered Mind. 