I remember thinking that you loved me but, I know better.
I would run so fast that you could not catch me but, you would drag me back & throw me onto your bed.
I can still see the detail in the ceiling rose as, you pinned me down & pushed & thrust upon my child’s body.
I came to learn it was called ‘dry humping’ & your relief was evident!
I feel the breeze blowing through the bedroom curtains & I am exhausted & hot from wrestling you to get away.
I need to get away.
Everyone tells me that we love each other but, that was not love, that was not normal, that was child abuse!
I am unprotected, I am too young & you took advantage of this.
As I grow, I recognize the difference & you sense that.
I have changed somehow & you stop, it’s my awareness looking at you now.
You are no longer preying on me.
You are funny & trying to cover but, I know that you know.
As I mature you no longer want to see me as, you know that I have told my mother your sister.
You have sensed the shift & you drink alcohol to escape the truth.
Your ‘demons’ will reproach you & your ‘Karma’ has come to visit you time & again.
We cannot run form our Dharma
You never respected my right as a child to my childhood, you stole the child & left just a hood.
(A hood is worn over the head as a cloak etc…to cover)
It was my journey you disrespected.
My life you affected,.
My self esteem & worth you impacted upon.
I would journey from there through many years of abusive relationships & it all started with you!
I was never a victim, I was always a target!
Victims are random but, I was chosen & then victimized, that’s the difference.
Dharma signifies behaviors that are considered to be in accord with order that makes life and universe possible, and includes duties, rights, laws, conduct, virtues and ‘‘right way of living’’. In Buddhism dharma means “cosmic law and order”
I am now a more aware person of the world around me & the sufferings of the abused.
I was not protected by you, my protector.
I was coveted & disrespected by you.
I make no excuses for you as, you knew right from wrong.
I forgive you your inability for self control & selfishness towards my child, my little girl,me.
I forgive & release this pain back onto you the giver.
It is yours to live with & not mine.
You put this onto me & I take back my power as an adult & say’ No More’.
You hurt my inner child & my outer child.
You betrayed my trust.
I forgive but, never forget.
That time will no longer define or undermine me.
I’ll admit it has haunted my life forever. The ghost of abuses past!
Abuse & abusers are not acceptable.
No reasons. No excuses.
Never again will a choice be anything but mine.
I choose to set myself free of the past & the prison of self-doubt & shame.
You stole my beginning but, not my ending.
My Dharma is to respect myself & others.
To give love & be loved.
‘What a Wonderful World’ it would be without abuse.
These are the lyrics I can never sing but, I hope future children will be spared the abuse.
When you steal a precious child’s innocence, you steal a gift that was never yours to receive!
I see trees of green,
red roses too.
I see them bloom,
for me and you.
And I think to myself,
what a wonderful world.
I see skies of blue,
And clouds of white.
The bright blessed day,
The dark sacred night.
And I think to myself,
What a wonderful world.
The colors of the rainbow,
So pretty in the sky.
Are also on the faces,
Of people going by,
I see friends shaking hands.
Saying, “How do you do?”
They’re really saying,
“I love you”.
I hear babies cry,
I watch them grow,
They’ll learn much more,
Than I’ll ever know.
And I think to myself,
What a wonderful world.
Yes, I think to myself,
What a wonderful world.
Oh yeah.
Surviving A Disordered Mind. 